forewarning….

STOP and read this all the way through before you open another page. this is going to be a long read and may likely take you a couple of hours…. but without reading it all, you will likely miss a ton of relevant and critical info as it is all connected.

what you are about to read is real. this is my life.. my hell.. my struggles, thoughts, feelings, and more. there is a lot more that took place than only what is written in this blog – but i am limiting it to streamline it as much as possible as otherwise it would turn into a multi-volume series. i am writing it all down as a means to process it all… 40+ years of my life, written out (at least in relation to this topic)

it will get graphic. there is adult content. it will get intense – moreso if you are a close part of my life and know some of the details. aspects of it will be upsetting to almost every normal person on this planet. it will likely make you mad. if you know me… then you likely know some of these bits of history – or witnessed some of these things from the outside…. but likely do not know the details to give it the full context or the reasons some of these things happened. it will likely answer a lot of questions you have about me, my quirks, or my reactions to some situations.

but i am not writing this for you. i am writing this for me.

i may also use this as a means of conveying everything written here to close people to me someday, but until then – i am not quite ready for it to be public knowledge in relation to who i am.

you will read things in this blog that you cannot unread… it will change your perception of me – hopefully not negatively, but that is entirely possible and even probable. it will be impossible to turn back the clock and forget all of this once you have progressed forward to the next page – and it WILL be an uncomfortable read covering topics that you would rather not discuss most likely.

I started writing this… at first as a text file on an apple II e as a kid… then a ms word doc, then transitioned it to a blog around 2006 or so.  it spans different decades of my life as i was writing it. i have come back and added things as they come to me, or i remember details about certain things – and i have added new sections as my life moves forward. some of it was written as the events happened and were fresh, and some of it is a year or so later when i have time to reflect or understand how monumental that moment was. I do not edit much, or rewrite sections… but have before. so please excuse any disjointed thoughts i may have sprinkled in after initial writing.

if you do not want to know some very uncomfortable and unsettling truths about me – you need to stop reading this immediately, close your browser, and forget this site exists.

you have been warned.