several times throughout my life i have found myself back here adding to this blog, and reading it start to finish.
i am reaching a milestone soon, and while this is FAR from the only concern in my life – it certainly is a persistent one. people have come and gone, and things change as they do in life.
while it is easy for someone outside my life to look at the accumulation of data and issues, and point to my childhood and say “there is where this shame originated”… im not so sure that is entirely the case as some therapy has suggested. i am sure it played a huge role – but is not the exclusive source of that shame. i think its an accumulation of many things… the pastors, my parents, the psychologists, and society. i would have been happy to reach 2020 and say “hate and bigotry are dead – i can live and be free!” but we are far from it. we have regressed as a society to an abhorrent level. i am sure that when people are unaware of who you are or what lies beneath the surface… they speak freely. i cannot count how many times in my life i have sat next to CLOSE FRIENDS or family and heard just disgusting things aimed towards the lgbtq community but spoken around me – completely unaware that i was who they were talking about.
one thing that has started to occur to me now… is i have started to miss the opportunities to discuss this with the people around me. my grandmothers have since passed away…. my sister passed a long time ago…. and the only person left on the planet that knows just a little bit about this is my dad. and i am not sure he knows it all or even how much of it he is aware of. he can surely comment about the times he was involved – but i am not sure it sticks with him as something to remember like it does with me. and then the thought of discussing any of this with him at all…. makes me a bit sick to my stomach.
when my grandmother was in her final days, and both myself and wife were rushing to drive across the state to spend time with her…. the drive there had my brain twisted in knots. i knew i shouldnt talk about it…. and i had no idea just what to expect when we saw her – or what state she was in. but being that she knew quite a bit… and soon would not be able to discuss it (if it was not already too late) – i knew it was either going to be my last chance… or that chance was already gone. i prepared myself mentally. i started thinking of ways to talk to my wife about this in case the opportunity somehow magically came up… and every time i thought about it, it just seemed wrong. everyones focus was on her as it should be…. and discussing me – seemed selfish. i didnt want her final hours spent discussing something she would rather not even remember. regardless… the decision was made for me. she was not able to comprehend much by the time we made it. it just wasnt meant to be.
i have thought about taking the opportunity to have a sit down discussion with my dad once i have found the courage to tell my wife (assuming/hoping that goes well if or when it ever happens). she may have questions for him…. but i dont know. i do know that the final chance to speak to anyone left that knows anything… is starting to slowly slip away as the years roll by. i honestly do not know what i would hope to gain by discussing it… but something tells me i should. maybe for my wifes sake? i dont know.
looking back at my life and reflecting on everything leaves me a bit hollow, especially in regards to the topic in this blog. my life is much more than what is discussed here… but to say it hasnt been a large part of my life, much less the majority it is, would be a lie. all i know is that the thought of living in the shadows for the entirety of my life just makes me sad. it almost feels like that half of me has spent an entire lifetime in isolation… all alone.. constantly being suffocated out of fear. and of course, i feel cheated. i was cheated out of a childhood… i was cheated out of a loving family… i was cheated out of being who i was meant to be. i know it sounds like i am having a pity party for myself… but its hard not to look back, and be sad at how things have gone over the course of my life when i see others living free, being happy, and loving life. (please let me reiterate i am not suicidal)
all of the friends i went to school with have gone on and had families, and are out living their lives. but something as simple as seeing one of them post pics of their daughters prom picture… reminds me of what i missed in life. all of those ‘firsts’ i will never experience. i dreamed about them every single night as a child…. i tried so hard to find some possible miracle… i even became religious and begged and prayed to god to let me be myself. all those prayers went unanswered. if anything… those prayers were met with pain and torment.
given the above… i have made the decision over the last few years that i will share it with my wife. i cannot fathom taking this to my grave. i am still torn, as it feels selfish to me to even share it… like i am unburdening myself, and throwing all that burden onto my wife. she has enough on her plate… and adding to that is not my intent. but keeping this from her, is now starting to feel more and more dishonest. i am under no illusion that she would benefit in any way from knowing all of this…. telling her would be entirely for, and about me. i guess if i play out the scenario in my head – i could make the argument that i would be happier, which would make her happier… but i just dont know.
im not sure if i will share this blog with her or not…. it is graphic in some spots, and i am not sure she would want to read that. but i will be telling her. i am going to try to block off several hours on a weekend sometime where there will be all the time in the world to discuss it, and process it. its going to be a lot of information… and it will either go well, or really, really badly and this all comes to an end. but i am ready to accept the outcome, no matter what it is. ive come to peace with the decision. i just hope that the gut wrenching fears i have turn out to be nothing.