so for most of my writing here, you have read about my struggles in whether i would, or how i would tell my wife. this occupied my thoughts almost every single day… i went to therapy to try and find the “right” way to do it… i dreamt through every possible scenario i could think of trying to anticipate her reaction and how i would deal with the fallout from it.
i tried to sleep but didnt get much as i was too nervous. i popped a pain pill at 5am so i could ensure i would wake up in a good mood. saturday was here, and i planned on having the discussion with her. i left her a note where i know she would see it telling her i loved her and asking her to wake me up.
she woke me up peacefully, and i decided that i should probably shower first… if it went terribly bad, i may need to leave. my hands trembled most of the time in the shower. when i got out… she asked me if i wanted her to make some breakfast, but my stomach was in knots… so i passed on the offer and asked her to sit down so we could talk.
most of the conversation is a bit of a blur. there were a lot of tears (from me) as i recanted most of what you have read here in this blog. she asked some questions from time to time… and i answered as best as i could. i think it filled in a lot of blanks she had… and, although she had already known about the abuse we went through… she didnt know the extent and was a bit shaken by it.
but the end result is…….. she loves me and is accepting – though, i felt she reached a stopping point at the end. it felt like she was maybe overwhelmed and just wanted it to end, but was ok with it all. there were some spoken, and unspoken boundaries set…. i mean – i wont be dressing in full drag to attend the next pride parade (my choice obviously)… but is more loving and accepting of everything than i could have ever possibly imagined. the doubt, the shame, the years of torment and historical data telling me not to tell her… were just completely wrong. she was almost confused as to why i would assume it was a problem… like me asking her for creamer in my coffee – it wasnt a big deal. but… that said…. she did hit that wall. it started to feel like i was pushing her past her point and she just wanted me to know it was ok, do whatever, and leave her out of it as she was overwhelmed. i took the hint and accepted the positive outcome gladly.
ive sat here this weekend… being totally open about who i am, for the first time in my entire life. even with the therapists and psych… i never truly opened up fully and was extremely reserved. the only other person in my life that i have disclosed everything (up to that time) was my sister. as i type this… i just kissed my wife goodnight and told her i loved her… while wearing what i wanted to make me happy. and she was happy. to say this weekend was blissful is the understatement of the year. even the crippling pain did not get my spirits down.
i am officially on cloud 9.