so the first week after my disclosing everything to my wife (which she has chosen not to read this… but we have left it open for the future if she ever changes her mind)… i have noticed quite a few changes in me… some could have been expected… others have been an interesting surprise.
the most noticeable changes have been my attitude and persona. i didnt notice them at the time, but set this evening for a bit of reflection about all of this – kind of keeping check on me, to make sure it all stays healthy and happy.
i noticed that i have started to care more about my appearance. it wasnt that i never cared before, but it was such a low priority that i just never spent time dealing with it. but now… ive found myself plucking a few rogue hairs (something i have never done in my life)… i noticed the shape of my nose and wished it was slimmer… i actually looked at my ass in the mirror to see how it looked in some things i purchased. i am not even sure where that came from… but it makes me chuckle a bit. ive started caring about how my legs look. mind you – i have nobody to impress sitting in my home all the time… but i want them to look nice.
i care about my surroundings. that too, is a first. not that i am a slob…. but i rarely cared much about ultra tidying around me… and just found myself cleaning my bathroom top to bottom because i wanted a spot for all my new self care products. before…. they would have simply gone under the sink.
i am finding that even though my wife is fully supportive… i still have a lot of shame and embarrassment about it around her, and i think that is directly from her feeling overwhelmed. i pulled back, so i would stop it from making it worse from her, but it is as though it caused me from really embracing much. its just so strange though… i dont really feel emasculated or anything (not that i would care if that were the case)… there just seem to be these trigger words i have that i dance around in conversation.
for the first few evenings, i kept forgetting, and would walk into the bedroom really late in the evening after she had fallen asleep to grab underwear, and go to the bathroom at the front of the house to change into my ‘guys underwear’ and go to bed. i finally broke down and asked her…. but stumbled and fumbled my words because the shame got the better of me. i had intended to ask her if it would make her uncomfortable if i wore panties to bed at night. but “panties” seems to be hard for me to say. i tried replacing it with simply ‘underwear’ and she was completely lost and confused. there is obviously a stigma attached to that word for me… i just don’t know why. i may try to bring it up in therapy sometime.
to say that this week has been amazing is just selling it short. it really does seem that the other half of me… the feminine side.. is completely unlocked by something as simple as what i am wearing. without it…. its as if that half of me just goes into hibernation… longing to be out… but refusing to look over that wall to see the outside world. that other half of me has never been as free as she has this week…. and its been a learning experience. its like i am getting to know her – i already knew everything about her… but im learning the quirky day to day stuff.