as i have mentioned before, i started noticing that my female side apparently held ALL the emotions. i kept that suppressed for decades and now that i am allowing that half of me to finally breath and live… i have some unintended consequences of learning the basics of emotions. things people typically learn as a child were stifled in me from a VERY early age.
the biggest one now is grief. it has hit me and grown constantly. i am not in absolute despair 24/7 – there are moments of joy and happiness – but there are so many triggers that its impossible to navigate around them.
the grief stems from who i am, vs who i was supposed to be. and maybe that isnt uncommon to feel… regret about a life choice, or a partner you were dating, etc. but i dont have that. i have sorrow just from looking in the mirror each morning knowing that the face staring back at me is not what i am inside… it feels like it is someone elses face and body, and there is nothing i can do to change that. i will never ever be the woman i was born as, in this body. and until they develop a brain transplant… i am stuck. and that is the source of that grief.
it is to an extent, the same grief you would feel over a close loved one that passed away. it hurts, and it causes you overwhelming sadness for a time. but eventually.. maybe even years later… you endure and push through that, and time helps to mend you. you take care of their last affairs, and put away their things and keep little mementos of them to remind you from time to time. you never forget them, but you start to remember the happy times and the fond memories you have instead of that initial grief.
it is the same level of grief with me…. but that loved one that passed away, was me.
i cannot escape myself. i cannot find a way to heal, have closure, and move on because every day i wake up and see myself is a reminder of that grief.
i know i sound just morbidly bleak, and im not… but, its a struggle in learning how to cope and deal with it. my therapist is awesome… but even she hit a point of just being overwhelmed. sometimes like she is sitting there in her head going “holy f……… uhhhhh…. ” – i know its her job, and she does amazingly well for the ultimate curveball out of left field.
i have to find a way to cope and deal with this though. its sucking me down into a hole of sadness which can quickly turn into depression. it seems every time i turn around, there is another trigger that reminds me of what i will never have. the simplest things.. like watching tv and seeing a beautiful outfit… or checking facebook and seeing some high school friend posting pictures of their little girls graduation or prom… i just cant seem to escape it.
so that has been my primary point of concern for a couple of weeks now, and all i can do at this point is just walk away from it and hope a solution presents itself to me in the future.