in my early 20s i dated then married a girl i knew and dated a bit from high school. it was more settling than it was a true passion. i honestly dont know why i decided to marry her… it wasnt that i didnt love her because i did… but i just didnt share the same connection with her that i had with others. but we were happy in the beginning. i never felt comfortable enough to share anything youve read here with her.
we were starting to talk about starting a family, but not too seriously – we never used protection, but it hadnt happened in several years… so i started thinking that maybe something was ‘off’. i went to a specialist on my own without telling her and was tested. a month or so later… while i was waiting for the results, my wife broke the news that she was pregnant. out of the blue – it happened.
we were obviously ecstatic. we started prepping for what was to come, and i completely forgot about getting tested as it obviously worked. but something about that voicemail they left me got to me… it seemed off.
one day i decided to call and ask about the results. it had been a few months since i had taken it, and really didnt expect to hear much of anything. they told me they couldnt go over the results on the phone and i would need to schedule a visit so the doctor could go over them with me. so i scheduled something and waited a few more weeks til my appointment.
i remember sitting across from the doc as he read the results to me. they made absolutely no sense until he summarized it for me – my sperm count was low and it would be difficult. i sat there speechless for a few minutes as he tried to console me, thinking i was sad to hear the news. i wasnt really sad… i was thinking about my wife being pregnant, and just what that meant.
so i was blunt with him – asked directly… told him that my wife just found out she was pregnant. i saw his eyes get big and he started stumbling with his words… “it is possible – definitely with IVF, but… not high certainty naturally”. i pressed him further – what does that mean? she is obviously pregnant – weve done an ultrasound at this point…. he responded “again, unlikely – not impossible, but the only thing i would tell you is to wait and get tested later”. not ‘sure, it happens – dont worry!’ or ‘it happens it x number of cases’.
my heart sank. not only did i just have this bombshell drop on me that it would be difficult to have kids… my brain went to a bad place and started imagining the worse. it meant there was also a high probability that she cheated on me. i kept this news private… i wanted to think about it for a while – i wanted to be sure before i made any accusations or explain what was going on as i hadnt told her i had been tested, and i certainly did not want to share my childhood with her. we were not that close. (yes, i know the irony of that statement… not being close to your wife – but that was the situation i was in)
things progressed as normal until one weekend we were at her dads ranch for a big family get together. her younger sister had pulled me to the side one night and we spent the evening talking on the porch. she confessed that she always had feelings for me – which was news to me… we had been friends for almost 10 years at that point, and she never even hinted – and had LOTS of opportunities.
i was a bit speechless. i didnt know what to say or how to react. i made some sort of comment about how our timing was off and it never really happened. then, she dropped bomb #2 on me. she was certain my wife was cheating on me.
i had not spoken about my suspicions at all. this was completely unprompted. she told me about a time 6 months ago when the two of them went out for a girls night, and she spent the evening making out with some guy at their table.
i knew the time she was talking about… i remember her telling me she was going out with her sister.. and i remember her coming home in a mood really REALLY late – almost 4am.
so i started to think…. “how about the time you two went out a couple months ago when she told you about being pregnant?” she looked at me confused for a moment… “i dont know when you mean”. so i asked when the last time was that the two of them went out for a girls night or did anything together. she said before this weekend… it was the time she just told me about, 6 months ago. my wife told her she was pregnant over the phone… not in person at a girls night. “im still mad at her for that one night at the bar – we got into it at the end of the night and i told her i couldnt believe she would do that to you. we havent spoken much since”
so – now i know my wife had lied to me a couple of months ago when she said she was going out with her sister.
i kept this info to myself – i knew i would have to get my things in order as i was working a menial job to pay for her to go through school. i also could not imagine getting a divorce – i said my vows… i was sticking with that. my word means something. its not hollow. but i could not imagine how i could stay with her knowing this. whatever was to happen… our relationship was going to change.
before i could even start to make those plans… we got news that her pregnancy has taken a turn. she was starting to deface at the 6 month mark. she was admitted to the hospital for a couple of days while they ran tests and gave her something as well as a steroid for the child – they prepped us to make sure we knew, he was going to be early.
at the 7 month mark, her obgyn told her she couldnt wait any longer, and wanted to induce labor. it was risky this early, but if we let it go much further, it could be catastrophic to both. we scheduled it for the following day… went in – and …………… nothing. the drugs were doing nothing but making her uncomfortable. after 6 hours, he decided it was time to call it… let her rest, and sent her home. i asked very bluntly… because we were here because things were so fragile and barely held together, that we had to induce – how is the 6 hours she just went through NOT going to be an issue? he assured me she was going to be fine.
she wasnt.
we made it home and were there for around 4 hours. i remember being in the kitchen, and hearing her scream, then run towards the kitchen (she was supposed to be on bedrest and not get up for any reason). there was blood everywhere. she had a full placental abruption and was literally bleeding out in front of my eyes.
i immediately dialed 911 and started trying to restrict the bloodflow. the ambulance got their fast… i followed behind in my truck as they told me i couldnt come (they dont want you in the way when its critical). i arrived at the hospital before the ambulance, and watched as they were doing cpr and rolling her out of the back. i chased after them and into the er where they already had an ultrasound and checked the baby. his heartbeat was faint, but there – and then ordered an emergency c-section. i was told to choose between the child and him… i told them to choose whichever had the better odds.
as they wheeled her out as fast as possible, and into a section of the hospital i could not follow…. the rage hit me. the doctor from earlier today was at fault. i was trying to compose myself but hit a door that would not open… so i ripped it from the frame and busted it open. the police came and escorted me out for a while.
they were in surgery for hours. when the doctor came to find me – he sat me down… informed me that my son came out without a heartbeat, but they were able to revive him. he is not stable and is in the nicu… there were very low odds he would survive.
my wife was also in the icu. she had a complete transfusion… every ounce of blood was drained from her and they put her in a coma. she was stable, but critical. i think i likely reached this point with my mom as a kid, but this was the first time as an adult, i lost control. the rage consumed me…. i ripped a door off the hinge, breaking a knuckle. it took 7 cops to subdue me, and thankfully, the hospital let it go.
i didnt know what to do. i went to see the child… he was so tiny and frail – there were lines and monitors on him everywhere.
he stayed in the nicu for 3 months before he was ready to come home. she was in the icu for 6 months. for those first 3 months… i was all he had. and we bonded… people would say he looked like me, and i guess he kinda did… and it gave me hope that maybe it was all just a dream or misunderstanding, and a miracle did happen, and i was part of that one millionth of a percent chance.
i decided i would just focus on the things i could control – i would give this a clean slate in my brain. i probably should have tested… but a small part of me didnt care. i was his dad. we went through hell together and pulled through.
we went for a couple more years… never using protection.. and never again was she pregnant. when she divorced me (which was very calculated… she waited til she was done with school, and it was my turn… and had me served at our dorm – emptied the accounts, maxed my credit cards, sold the cars, my bike, and i was left with nothing but a small bag of clothes) part of me wanted to lash out… confront her about it then – have him tested. but it would do nothing but hurt him.. and it would mean having to disclose my secret. so i just let it go and moved on with my life.
i dont know why i never pursued that question. i think i was torn. my sister in law was obviously trying to run her own agenda as other friends that were around vouched for the original story… the docs may or may not have been right (not like i got a second test or opinion – and they said LOW chance, not NO chance)… and after everything me and my son had gone through… hell and back again… i didnt really care what the answer was. i loved him, and the thought of calling that to question just felt wrong. maybe if we were still together, i would have gone another direction. but the damage was done… and i didnt want him to be the pawn in my vengeance aimed at her. he would have been the only one hurt in that. she obviously wouldnt have cared… and it would not have affected my life any differently.