after my divorce i had to pick myself up and dust myself off and move on. it took me a long time to recover from it all as it destroyed me financially (emotionally too, but to a much lesser extent).
around this time is when the internet really started to gain steam. sure – it had been there for years… but high speed was now a thing, and streaming videos were becoming a thing. and of course… there was porn.
i watched porn just like everyone else – but something occurred to me again as a reminder from my childhood. once again, i wasnt watching because i was horny and wanting to imagine “banging some hot chick”. i would fantasize about what it felt like to be those gorgeous women. i was admiring what they were wearing.. the grace and elegance in their movements. i was more turned on by how they looked, moved, what they wore, and who they were – than what they were doing. i never really enjoyed the hardcore stuff as a result. the easiest way i could explain it was that i am constantly focused on how she felt… and it seems most guys are drawn to and connect with how the guy feels… what is happening to him. it is really tough to explain, i know.
i learned a lot in this time as well… like what a ‘fetish’ was. i assumed that is what i had… it kinda fit. but then i would stop and think back to my childhood…. it wasnt a “fetish” at 5 years old. i did it because it made me happy… it made me feel like who i was. it was calming… peaceful… absolute serenity. not sexual. but i realized that a ‘fetish’ could be what i used as a cover for who i was. i had a fetish for lingerie, nylons, etc. its easier to explain away, and a lot more acceptable to people. if i used that as my alibi, maybe i could find a way to make that a reality… at least enough to make me somewhat happy.
so i explored those fetishes… nylons.. lingerie… and of course there were millions of sites dedicated to it. everything you could imagine was out there.
i also found plenty of websites to buy things from. this was obviously easier and much less awkward than walking into a local store and having to explain why i was buying a teddy, stockings, and panties with an evening gown for someone my approximate height and size (like that would ever be believable). because it was so easy, i overspent… i had an entire collection that would rival most actual females 🙂
i found a pattern that would work for me. i would spend at least a few hours per day or week (depending on whether i was in the embrace portion of my ‘cycle’, or shame portion) dressed how i wanted… relaxing… watching tv… sometimes even working. it gave me peace and happiness and kept that part of my brain that constantly screamed to be let free, quiet and at ease. it wasnt always sexual… in fact, it was probably less than 5% of the time that i felt frisky. but i did start to realize that if i felt relaxed and comfortable in my own skin… if i enjoyed what i was wearing… if it made me feel good… if i felt “sexy” and i empowered a part of me that was sensual – i was much more prone to wanting to have a little sexy time, than not.
I did date one woman in this time-frame who was insanely adventurous. i was not about to divulge any of this with her, but i didn’t say no to things she asked and tried a lot of things well outside my comfort zone. she enjoyed it rough, which bordered over the line for me… some of it was ok – some of it i found a turn off. she did enjoy anal, which i could take or leave – i didnt see the appeal. however, she turned the tables once with me, and asked if i wanted it – being open and willing to try i said yes, and WOW i had no idea. it was the most intense orgasm i think i could remember and the entire experience felt insanely taboo, which turned me on more. for someone who was so adventurous, i found a line pretty quickly when she was sharing porn, and i sent something trans back. she was grossed out, and never looked at me the same, and we ended that short relationship fast.
but porn was difficult to understand, and more difficult to understand how i felt. it was more jealousy than lust. its connecting with, and longing for that experience, rather than literally wanting to swap places with them at that moment. but i explored every angle and option, and the recurring theme was how i felt about men. as a guy, every time i would try and explore that avenue… the thought of being with a big hairy guy… or even a ripped muscular hairless guy… or even whoever was on the cover of the sexiest man award from people – it just didnt do anything for me at all. but as my feminine side… it was the most arousing thing ever. i could not figure out how that meshed. but…. i also found i was not solely attracted to men. sure, it was arousing to feel a bit submissive and embrace that feminine side, but equally arousing to consider the same with a woman. i later learning from my therapist that i was likely pansexual – and that seemed to fit. not necessarily attracted to a gender – just a person.
i started to realize a split however. the ‘guy’ side of me just didnt enjoy anything other than vanilla type sex. man + woman. that was the extent of it. however… the other side was more adventurous. more open to those ideas and wanting to try and play through scenarios in my head – not attracted to gender or roles… just sexual experiences.
but i was attracted to the feminine. that said – the closest i got to ‘being gay’ was trans porn. i found some of it insanely erotic and relatable… i could realistically see myself in those girls and could identify. but some was hot, and some not so much. there were some girls that just looked rough (which is ironic, as that is precisely me in a nutshell). it was more of a late 40s guy who has barely shaved, running around in lingerie… and that was a bit off-putting. but some of the girls were just amazingly gorgeous… and those, i found myself enjoying a lot.
full disclosure: i have no desire to explore it. its all fantasy stuff in your head, and you are getting a deep dark look inside it, with no filter. its fantasy… completely unrealistic expectation for anything more than fantasy
around this time i started wanting to explore what it would really take to live as the other side of me. what would have to be done – whether it was realistic. simply put – it was far far too late. i spoke to a half dozen different specialists – and every time… they made it very clear they wanted to do all they could to make me happy – but that the quadruple doses of hormones i had gotten in my pre-teen years did exactly as they are designed to do – and my size, build, and shape made it impossible to match my insides with my outsides. if i lived as i wanted, i would be a social pariah… happy with myself, but the outcast of society that people ran away from quickly. i am not one to care much about what others think… but the detractions, inability to hold a job, and amount of hate that would be aimed at me, made it an impossible mountain to climb – especially with a child involved in my life. i went through a period of mourning over that before i dusted myself off, and decided i had to push ahead and make the most of my life knowing it simply wasnt an option to be the me my brain says i am.
from that day forward, i made the conscious decision to embrace the masculine again. i was a firefighter…. i worked on cars… i drank beer with the guys…. i listened to pantera and metallica (which i do generally love) instead of depeche mode or britney or club stuff (which i also love)… i watched wrestling instead of the bachelor or latest drama… i grew a massive goatee and shaved my head (well, the shaved head part i had very little say in for medical reasons) and started mma courses and competitions.
i am very conscious of the fact that the above is likely a result of those early years. ive tried to break myself of the shame… and make teeny tiny progress, only to see the latest bigot on tv screaming about ‘men wearing panties in the girls bathroom at schools’ or ‘men calling themselves women only to compete on their sports teams’…. and know that we as society, are still very very fucked.
so i played the hand i was dealt. i did everything i could to prove to the world around me that i wasnt who i really was. dont get me wrong – i enjoyed the things i did… it wasnt like i was faking it. but, there are things i would rather do more, or things i may want to do in addition – and didnt, because the optics may cast doubt on who i really was.