that seems to be the million dollar question. and to be honest – i do not have an answer for it. it is a virtual impossibility to match what i have in my head, with my external appearance – im sad about that, but i have learned to cope with that loss and move forward. i am not really wanting to DO anything…. i just want to be happy and at peace, and trying to find a way to achieve that while also not destroying everyones life around me.
while i sometimes dream about what life would be like if my parents made the opposite choice when i was born… i am realistic and sane, and know that the possibility is gone. “transitioning” like some do, is simply not possible for me – nor am i sure i would want to if there was a genie with a magic wand that could grant me that wish. i am who i am… and i dont necessarily want to change that – i just want to live and be happy.
as well – there have been many many things in my life that have happened that likely would not have, if they made a different choice. if i am a dad… i may not have had a son. even if that is questionable… the experience of what we went through is not something i would willingly give up.
i certainly would not have met the love of my life, who does not identify as gay… so she would have never looked at me twice. and she is more important to me than anything else in the world, and i would gladly sacrifice anything and everything for her. ultimately, if i have to choose between this, and her – i choose her every time without a second of hesitation.
i think the best i can hope for is to find a way to be happy with who i am, and find a balance in my life. i have tried living for decades, unbalanced. it is tiring… it keeps secrets from those i love… and it makes me actively suppress a part of me that wants nothing more than to be set free. at this point…. ive surpressed it so long, i really don’t know how much life that side of me has left. you can only live without oxygen for so long….
and at best – it is something that only myself and immediate family would ever know. i have no desire or ambition to do something with this… my life is locked in at this point and it is too late for me to do anything about it. there is almost a 0% chance i ever become comfortable enough to “come out” or be extremely public with it. im not looking to throw out my wardrobe and start wearing skirts 24/7 or anything else.
from what i have seen in support groups, reports, etc – this is apparently a lot more common that you would think. maybe not my story precisely (pmds is rare)… but gender fluidity is very common. i would be willing to bet that most men are actually in the same boat or somewhere on that spectrum. we all share parts of ourselves with the other gender – some have more traits than others. and gender and identity as a whole is a scale…. we’ve all known “manly women” or “girly men”, as well as many many transgendered people that have become a lot more obvious as they are no longer made to feel like they must hide from society – that is the sliding scale. some just choose to ignore it. i just seem to be in the camp where the part that appears externally does not match the majority of what is inside.
all i can do now is cross my fingers and hope for the best.