since being married, i have tried therapy several more times. i keep trying to find a way to deal with this longing and despair because i cannot be what my brain thinks i am, i cannot find a way to fill that void in my life…. and/or try to find a way to approach the subject with my wife.
every time, i have walked away with the same feeling… there isnt much they can do. most agree that it is the right thing to talk to her about it… but they also agree that there is a high chance she may withdraw or leave our relationship and never look at me the same way again, and can understand that fully and it would be difficult for me to blame her.
why now? well, its a couple of reasons.
firstly…. i was injured a few decades ago. i had a spinal fracture that went undiagnosed, and because of that i have a debilitating spinal issue limiting my range of motion, and making me live in constant pain ranging from just a constant deep/sharp pain cycle, to a level to being unable to walk or move. so… sex – a tiny means of pacifying this other half of me for short periods – has been non existent… not by choice, but because it is excruciatingly painful. i keep exploring and trying to find ways… but nothing but anal will work, and that is only moderately, and if im careful.
secondly – its the pandemic. before the pandemic… i could quietly and discretely satiate that need. i could harmlessly do what i needed to keep my sanity from the comfort of my own home, and all was back to normal long before she would be home. it wasnt terribly often, but often enough to keep me feeling a sense of peace and happiness. since the pandemic… we now both work from home. i think she may notice her husband walking out of the bedroom in the morning wearing a a camisole and panties.
i have tried finding ways to slowly drop hints in the past… or push our sexy time in a certain direction – at least enough of a direction to help fill that need. ive told her about my ‘nylon/stocking fetish’ (its not really a fetish, but for this purpose it is) and once… she did kinda explore it a bit. she took off one of her stockings, and slid it over me – and that was absolutely amazing – it felt sooo good, and i told her that. she commented that she guess thats why crossdressers like it. i had a bit of hope… but quickly afterwards, she made some sort of comment about how it was kind of gross and a friend had her husband admit to being one and she was devestated – said she agreed with her friend. so, my tiny ray of hope died a violent death right then and there. there have been lots of positive mentions she has made over the years as well… but never as direct as that statement. she is an ally, supports lgbtq rights and people, and is completely and totally accepting of all. but its a very different story when its inside your own home.
and that is part of what drives my fear to this day. my wife is a loving and caring person, and does everything she can to put me first… but im afraid what i have to tell her is a bridge too far.
we also went for a while watching some porn during our sexy time to spice things up a bit. i carefully selected a bunch of different videos, and assumed it would be blatantly obvious… but apparently not. every video was a hard primary focus on the woman, and all were just insanely oozing with sensuality in the most wonderful lingerie. but, she likely wasnt looking at the women, or maybe she didn’t really see the correlation. im sure to her it just looked innocent enough.
but i wish i could find a way. one of the biggest things ive noticed over the years… that again – while it is not 100% purely a sexual thing for me – when i am wearing something that makes me feel in tune with the feminine side of my psyche, i find i want to be passionate… i want to be romantic… i want to pleasure my partner and feel them… i almost just want to embrace that girly mode in me and indulge. in ‘guy mode’ … im just looking to orgasm and feel good and return the favor. sure, its fun… but it feels like something is missing. when i am in the more feminine part of my brain, its more enjoyable… the drive is fueled by connection and passion, not just lust and libido. i also seem to get adventurous – having a feeling that i want to try all sorts of things, that in ‘guy’ mode seem a bit off-putting.
i have also noticed something about our interactions together – like all marriages, we have had our ups and downs… trials and tribulations… good times and bad. but, more commonly, i started noticing that our ‘good times’ seem to coincide when i am most in tune to my female brain – im happier, which makes her happier, and makes our interactions mesh. talking, laughing, loving, playing… that all seems to come from that more feminine side for me – not exclusively… but the overwhelming majority (upwards of 80%) that is generally the cause. and that seems to happen less and less as i keep suppressing it.
im sure you are thinking “you should just talk to your wife” – and yes, id love to. but i have a few decades of historical data telling me that people knowing about this is not the best idea. sometimes it creates pain… and the last thing in the world i want to do is make her life more stressful or painful than it already is.
my last therapist really did try to do a deeper dive on the topic to try and think of ways possibly outside the box, to keep me happy and sane, without having to jeopardize my marriage… and also while staying honest about it.
she would ask questions like “why cant you simply imagine a roleplaying scenario in your head where you are more feminine?” – and the simple answer is… i can, but the moment i open my eyes, im brought back to reality that i am as far from that as possible. touch/feel sensory is also deprived. it just breaks the illusion all together. so imagining that scenario may satiate the need for seconds… not days, weeks, or months.
so she started asking more pointed questions, like “what is it about panties or hose specifically?” (even though its not just that… those are the two recurring) the answer was two fold. the majority of the time, it is about how i feel… the ritual of putting them on… the feel of the lace or silk on my skin… knowing they are there and occupying several of my senses. when it unlocks that side of me…. its like flipping a switch. with the switch off… all that is left is this guy that is worn down. but its the same reason that women wear lipstick or makeup in general… they want to look attractive – when they look attractive, they feel attractive, desirable, confident, empowered. but when i wear them, its just for me – nobody else needs to know, and it fulfills my needs 100%.
the other reason is based purely on feel and is more sensory. when i am a bit more frisky…. the feeling of them on my body is amazing. it rivals intercourse and can surpass it in most cases. the silky fabric sends shivers through my body when i am in the mood (as does most lingerie). “feeling sexy” (even if i look like a hideous monster that even -I- am not sure I would want to see) heightens everything.
she then made a pretty astute observation i had not picked up on consciously. in the beginning of our dating and then marriage, my wife would go the extra mile… bustier and lace top stockings… sexy lingerie… and eventually, that become worn out tshirts with sweat pants (this is not me complaining). in the beginning, i could at least minimize my desire/despair and live vicariously through her at least in part. as that waned, that desire/despair deepened. obviously, this is not her fault at all…. she had no idea – i never verbalized it. but it was an observation i hadnt made before. it was never a replacement for that desire and need… but it certainly supplemented it to an extent to keep my secret hidden away for longer periods of time.
we had a lot of uncomfortable conversations – and i know she was trying to help me deal with the shame and embarrassment mostly…. but i just do not think it possible at this point. she tried helping me reframe it several different ways over multiple sessions… but she ultimately could not find a perfect solution, but i am still hunting for one on my own.
this entire thing has presented itself in very odd, and disgusting ways over the years. apparently with the overload of testosterone i was given month after month and year after year – the rapid increase and decrease from the injections, most of your body grows – but not evenly, or as naturally intended. Apparently your face grows, but your teeth and gums do not grow as rapidly – so the end result is a smile that looks like a mash up of teeth. i am not speaking about simply needing braces or the like… i am talking about crammed together a’la clown car style – things overlapped and compacted. even my wisdom teeth did not grow in straight (they were impacted and at an angle as a result). in more obvious things, and things i stay paranoid about to this day…. simple stuff like having facial hair… but not being able to grow a mustache – or having a tiny patch of chest hair that took 35 years to come in… having breasts form early, but those dont go away with testosterone – so even at my trimmest when i was in the fire dept… i had 6 pack abs, but “boobs” – not pecs…. boobs.
and then, there is the ultra kicker… the reason i wont shower in the locker rooms and prefer not to be seen naked. no matter how much testosterone you get – it will not necessarily help your manhood grow to match. that has to be done naturally through puberty. so things are sized the same as when i was younger ‘down there’. for a mountain of a “man”… its kind of alarming to look at.
years of my life were spent worrying about these completely innocuous things that nobody would ever notice… but i did, and i lived in fear that someone would eventually see the accumulation of all these things, and piece together the puzzle.
not that it makes much difference as it wouldnt change how i feel – but i did do a small dna test once upon a time that was the most i could get done via a test method with my included dna sample for a site. it was an autosomal test that matches genetic markers to gender. the top 7 of 10 match results were identified as female and only a few markers overlapped with male. they actually had it marked on my profile that i had sent in a female dna sample. so naturally… when my wife got me one of those dna family tests one year, i shit bricks for weeks out of fear of what may be on it, or what it would show. thankfully, they didnt do any testing that invasive.
i had a Klinefelter test done (testing for xxy chromosomes) many years ago, and had what i suspected – XXY. the end result really did have no effect on my life – not like it would change how i feel. it was just something to point to and say “see – it wasnt my choice to be like this”. it helps others if they cared… but it doesnt help me at all and doesnt really affect my life.
if i had a magic genie to grant me 3 wishes… i would use all 3 to make this go away and have a normal life. just make me be a normal guy without this history so i could be the man my wife see’s me as. i have enough to worry about in my life – i dont want these feelings… but the harder i try to suppress it, the more it makes my brain focus on them. then the other part of my brain hijacks things… and i use those 3 wishes to become the woman i longed to be my entire life. once upon a time i had hoped that if i just kept faking it (which i obviously do well… nobody i am aware of knows about this, and its likely your first time hearing or thinking it) that eventually that would become my new reality. but… that simply is not the case.