so that grief…. was and is something i have to learn how to deal with. in hindsight… i feel like i am through the worst of it, and honestly thought that maybe it might keep subsiding – but it has not. ive reached a plateau, and i think this is what life will be like now.
little things still trigger me… but, i am learning to slowly find ways to be ok with that. i cannot find a rhyme or reason to why i can see a woman in a pretty dress and it makes me smile one time, then literally the same woman in the same dress a different day and i instantly feel grief. it makes no sense… as if its a coin flip in my brain that i have no control over that emotion.
i have slowly started to open my feminine side up a bit, and do little things with my wife i would never consider before – like watching the bachelorette, or other shows deemed ‘chick flicks’. i love them… i enjoy spending the time with her… so there is no reason not to. i am FAR from completely open… but its a baby step in the right direction.
i have also become aware that i treat myself as two different people. im sure that is evident in my writing as well. its all part of the ‘safety mechanism’ i have in place…. it feels like i have to view it like that, because letting it merge may be painful to those around me.
i have thought a lot about what life i would LIKE to have, realistically. gender reassignment is obviously not feasible… but… what would life be like with a more feasible goal? would be be “just a couple of girls hanging out and watching tv together” with my wife? im not sure if she would like that… well… she might – but… would she see the real me differently? what would our relationship look like if i let myself be all of me – or would it even exist?
and then… where is the line? what is ok… what isnt ok? what is she ok seeing, and would rather not? i guess its all lots of questions i have to ask her, and just dont want to overwhelm her again.
I think its moving forward ok…. not fast… but ok. its just taking a lot of time.