things improved when living with our dad and step mom… but not by a lot. at least there was no more physical torture and abuse. but there was plenty of mental. our new step mom loved spending time with us… but we were made very aware that our step brother, who was an only child prior to us coming along, was the top and only priority in the home. we were given attention and affection only if he was unavailable.
the three of us were piled into a single bedroom, while he got his own room, that was twice the size. he got a new computer for christmas… we got a calculator for school. he got a new wardrobe every summer before school started… we wore the same thing until it was too small or destroyed. the list goes on… but needless to say – i learned to live with it. if i wanted something, i had to earn it on my own.
but most importantly… i no longer had privacy. my “issues” couldnt be addressed. i longed for it… and it drove me insane at times.
i dated off and on… but finally found someone serious, and had my first sexual experience (with someone else at least) around this time. we were both young and stupid… but i thought maybe, just maybe… it would satiate that desire. it didnt really. in fact, it made it worse. i would see her and long to be… well… her. i know that sounds weird – but it was partly jealousy. pure and simple. i wished i could spend time looking as pretty as her. maybe some would think its admiration…. but i was very aware of what i felt. it was jealousy.
i did some experimenting around this age too. i grew out my hair extremely long (well… longer) down to my shoulders. i would try to find ways to style it, or do anything to satiate that need. it never worked. it never helped. i could never replicate those feelings.
my girlfriend broke up with me at some point, and i didnt ever really feel heartbroken about it. we just had fun, and the fun was over. a few months later, i met a new girl at a party. she didnt go to our school.. so i knew nothing about her… but she was mesmerizing. she was a bit goth, which meshed well with me at the time – and i remember sitting at the keg and watching her walk in. plaid black/white/red skirt… black pantyhose… dr marten boots.. a misfits tshirt. she had long black hair pulled into a pony tail, black eye shadow and lip gloss. i was completely and totally smitten with her.
i jumped up and offered her my seat… she said no – so i sat back down, and instead just plopped down in my lap. i was hooked. we sat there drinking for an hour or two until she asked me to take her somewhere with less assholes. so we walked a few blocks down the road to this little pond and fountain at the entrance to the subdivision. we sat there talking until 7am the next day. she was amazing.
we met up with her friends, and went to the kettle to have breakfast. there were 6 of us piled into a booth made for 4 at most, so we were all on top of each other. i remember her snuggling in next to me… her legs pulled up on the bench… her arm behind me.. her knees laid over my legs, and she had her head tucked onto my shoulder. she had this sweet smell…. not perfume – but something that just immediately tickled my senses.
we saw each other off and on for a few weeks, and talked on the phone nightly. i wasnt quite old enough to drive, nor did i have a car – and neither did she – so we had to coordinate anything we wanted to do. she told me about a party she was going to at a mutual friends house – and i decided i was going no matter what.
she was there by the time i got there, and i immediately ran in to hug her – but something made me just go for it – so i just walked straight in, grabbed her face, and kissed her. “i was hoping youd do that”
ahh teenage love. if only we could bottle that feeling.
we spent the rest of the night talking, drinking, holding hands, and making out on the bench in the backyard by the pool. around 3am… our “making out” started getting hotter, and heavier. she took my hand and led me back into the house… up the stairs.. and into a back bedroom that was empty. “she said we could stay here if you want” – yes, i want.
what followed was an experience i play back in my head sometimes. it wasnt the stereotypical ‘first time’… we meshed. it was like a flawless symphony. it went very slowly…. articles of clothing came off one at a time, spread out over an hour or more… followed by more kissing and heavy petting.
she stopped me at one point as we progressed and said ‘not all the way, but we can still have fun’. i didnt really know what that meant, but i just let her set the pace with whatever she was comfortable with. i didnt want to talk about sex… because that was a topic too close to the real me. so i followed her lead. she took off my pants so i was completely nude laying on the bed. she was already topless… but unzipped her skirt and threw it off, then laid back down on top of me.
that is when i felt it…. that familiar feeling… as she kissed me her hips started to slowly grind into me. she still had her panties and hose on and positioned herself so that every inch of me was touching her. it was bliss. i hadnt felt that in so long and it was all i could do to not explode instantly.
as her hips rocked back and forth against me, i could hear her let out a tiny moan with an occasional gasp. i remember her picking herself up a little on her elbows and looking at me and whispering ‘do you like that?’ as she grinded herself into me. that was it – i couldnt control myself any longer and i exploded.
eager to return the favor, i reached behind her and start rubbing her through her hose. now she was getting louder.. her thrusts quicker… her breathing was heavier. i felt her body start to tremble, and i took my hand, reached down and slid it between her soft skin and panties, and slipped a finger inside her – she immediately bucked and gasped in pleasure and came for minutes it seemed before she collapsed on my chest trying to catch her breath.
we lay there holding each other for a long time… basking in the afterglow – having a smoke. i was totally falling for this girl. it wasnt like my last girlfriend… this had feelings behind it.
we started talking… VERY openly. it felt almost unreal at first to be having these conversations… but she asked what i liked about it. asked if she could do anything to make it feel better without going all the way yet (she wasnt ready). i swallowed hard, and alluded to the fact that i liked her pantyhose – they felt good against me. i was nervous as hell about it… i didnt know how she would react, and prayed she didnt hear that and think i was some disgusting sicko. as i said it out loud, i instantly started trying to think of ways to brush it off or downplay it if she reacted negatively.
she didnt. she embraced it. ‘really? you like pantyhose? i think its hot! i kind of do too! i hear lots of girls complain about them, but i like them – makes me feel sexy’ – OMG SHE GETS IT! now i KNEW i was falling for this girl. what happened next is something i replay in my head from time to time… as we started kissing again… prepping to go another round… she sat up on top of me and whispered “know what could be fun?” and had this devious little grin on her face
she immediately hopped up and pulled down her panyhose, leaving her panties on. she hopped back into the bed, and sat by my feet and started bunching up the hose down to the toe. no way she is going to do this….. this cant be real… i have to be dreaming. but – i wasnt. she slid them over the first foot, then the next and prompted me to lift my butt as she slid them up my legs, making sure to pull out the excess and even them out. they were way too small for me, but still managed to stretch enough.
“oh wow – you DO like them” as i instantly became rock hard
she sat on top of me and put her hands on my chest as she started to slowly rotate her hips… she watched my reaction as my head flew back in ecstasy at the feeling and that just made her try even harder and get even kinkier. i remember thinking that i was living something out of a porn movie… the way she moved, what she said – it all just turned me on. i was about to explode again already, and decided to focus my attention on her… so i flipped her over on the bed, pulled her panties to the side, and did my best to please her orally. and she became wild… grabbing my hair and pushing herself into my face. we both came several more times that night and never really went to sleep.
that morning, i started to take her hose off, and she stopped me – ‘keep them – wear them for me again sometime’. that became our thing… she would get so worked up about it, and it obviously turned me on like crazy. i never really shared with her my past.. or the real reason i said that or liked it – it felt like too much to say. even though she likely would have been open about going even further with it, and letting her hear what i truly felt about it… she meant too much to me to risk it just for my own pleasure. she was the first girl i ever truly fell in love with.
about 6 months later, she finally decided she wanted to lose her virginity to me. i made it as special as i could… saved my money for a month or two so i could afford to take her somewhere nice… then got a hotel room in galveston overlooking the water. it was… unreal. she was everything to me.
we dated for a time into high school until her parents decided to move for her dads job. that one hurt…. losing her was like losing a part of myself, we would talk on the phone every once in a while, but a long distance relationship, in that day – and at our age – was impossible. she would talk dirty to me over the phone sometimes as we remembered our many many escapades.
i kept up with her for a while after high school… she moved on, went to college and started dating someone seriously… fell in love, had kids and a career. i dont long for her now… but those days back in high school have a special place in my heart. she made what i had gone through, bearable… and normal. i lived my life thinking i was an abomination… but she saw it as something special that we shared. she may not have understood or known all the details… but i shared something with her that made me extremely vulnerable – and she met it with love and acceptance. she made me feel… sane… even though my life to that point had been anything but.
my interactions with her though taught me something…. maybe i dont HAVE to dress up or picture myself as something different – i could find ways to – maybe not satiate or satisfy, but subdue that need – without the risks.
sadly – that would not last for long after her. it was a while before i dated someone new… but in a similar scenario, thinking it would play out the same way – it so very much did not. when that new girl heard what i said about it… she had the reaction i feared “omg thats gross wtf is wrong with you”. later on, with someone new… i mentioned it as one of my likes – she got weird, and that was the last time we ever went out. so that closed the door on me sharing that part of my life with anyone else.