reading through this coming page, you may think its a lot of detail… it is. this day is one i remember all the time. there are many days i can point to and say they are one of the happiest days of my life…. the day i met my current wife… the day my son was cleared and was going to survive… but this one was the first of that short list. i remember everything about this day as i have played it in my head millions of times.
things had been quiet for a while. i had kept to myself for the most part… and looking back, i think i was probably in a state of depression for most of my childhood. i didnt know why as i still hadnt connected any dots but they were at the beginning stages of starting to come together.
sure – i played outside like a normal kid, and i had moments of being happy like around my birthday or going to the movies or christmas time. but when i was alone… i ranged from emotionless to sad. i remember looking at the snoopy poster on my wall. he was laying on top of his dog house with his head hanging off looking at the sky. he was visually frustrated and sad that he wasnt “flying”. i felt a connection with snoopy and remember thinking it was sad or funny or both that here i was, feeling a connection to this animated character pinned to my wall.
one weekend, i was sitting alone in my room playing a game when my mother came in, obviously shaken up about something. she told me that i was going to need to watch my little brother and sister for a while as she had to go to my grandmothers – something had happened and we couldn’t go – so they would be my responsibility for a couple of hours, and that ‘she was putting a lot of trust in me’ and blah blah blah.
a 7-8 year old… watching two kids ranging from 2-4… not the wisest decision, but i managed to do it without any major catastrophes.
they jumped in the car and sped off. i checked in on my little brother and sister, who were quietly napping, so i left them alone and headed to my room to play some more video games.
i was in there a few minutes when i needed to go to the bathroom… so i paused the game and ran real quick down the hall through my parents room and into the bathroom. i pee’d as quickly as possible so i could run back to my game… but as i flushed and turned around to run out – my eyes gazed into my parents open closet door, and something clicked in my brain.
i sat there paused and thinking… “parents are gone – mom said she would call before she came home – i have nobody watching me…. that used to make me happy – i should do it”… and i did.
i ran back to check and make sure my brother and sister were still napping, and they were… so i sprinted back to my parents room, and began going through drawers. this time, i dug deep in them. my brain harkened back to sitting there watching my mother get ready for church … how she would lay out all her clothes and make sure her things matched, then get ready. i did the same.
i left the drawer for a moment and headed into the closet to find something i remembered. a while ago my parents had hired a babysitter for us and went to some big event where my dad needed a fancy suit and my mom was wearing the prettiest sparkly gown i had ever seen. my mom was fairly conservative, and always dressed modestly, but that one evening – i remember thinking it was strange i could see so much of her leg – her dress only covered the top half of it. i wanted to find it. i dug and dug through the overpacked hanging clothes until way at the back, i saw the black sparkles inside a dry cleaning bag, and i pulled it from the closet.
that was settled – i had chosen my attire. now i needed everything to go with it. mimicking what i had seen before, i placed it neatly on the bed, and went back to the drawers. it was a black dress, so i went on the hunt for black things. deep at the bottom of the drawer, almost hidden under a mountain of more bland and boring things, were a black set that i immediately gravitated to. the panties were small and mostly lace everywhere but the front with one small silky panel. the matching bra was elegant. i pulled them out from deep in the drawer, and placed them neatly on the bed next to the dress.
i pulled open another drawer looking for what i could remember of her attire that night, and found them – equally deep in another drawer – a pair of black pantyhose that had a pattern on the leg like a floral design. i had never really felt nylon before and remember running my fingers over it and being in awe of how smooth and silky it felt. i laid them on the bed, looking over everything i had chosen… proud of myself for picking out such an amazingly beautiful ensemble.
i stripped down as fast as i could. it had been a year or two since i had done anything like this – but remembered how it made me feel… and was excited to have that happy feeling again.
i remember standing up after putting my legs through the panties so i could pull them up…. they were no longer this massive length of excess fabric barely able to stay up and in place… they somewhat fit. and the moment i had them pulled up fully, it was as if my heart jumped from my chest with joy. i could breathe again! i was happy! i was overjoyed that this fit and i loved it!
it took me a while to figure out how to wear the bra. it was complicated, but i eventually got it. i stood there looking at myself in the full length mirror… posing… admiring the sheen and intricate details of the fabrics and how it felt against me. i was giddy and overjoyed.
i sat back down on the edge of the bed, and recalled how my mom would hook her thumbs in and scrunch up the pantyhose all the way down to the toe, then slide them up her leg. i did the same… placing my toes at the end, and making sure the seems were straight before slowly pulling them up my leg. i was IMMEDIATELY consumed by the sight of my leg in those nylons… and the feeling was incredible. i remember running my fingers over the pattern on the back of my calf and trembling with excitement in how it felt.
i did the same for my other leg, and slowly slid them up my thighs and over my panties. i posed like that for what seemed like forever… gazing at myself in the mirror… looking at my legs and the pattern that now adorned them.
it took me a bit to figure out how to put the dress on without damaging it. it was delicate, and very small and form fitting. i finally figured it out and stepped into it, and slid it up to my waist, then putting my arms through. i even managed to stretch around and get the tiny little zipper on the back. oh. my. god. this was heaven. i was so happy. i looked radiant. the clothes were so pretty. i recall wondering to myself why i was feeling so happy, but teary eyed at the same time. i remember the excitement and feeling my heart beat through my chest. i think i settled on the explanation that i knew how happy i was right then at that moment, but that it would soon come to an end as i surely couldnt greet my parents back home dressed in this.
i remember going to my room as i just wanted to do “whatever” in my new attire… just walking around… feeling the fabrics… seeing myself in mirrors that i passed… i was consumed and completely enthralled in this feeling of pure bliss and happiness. i was going to try and use the makeup she had sprawled out over the bathroom counter, but decided that i wasn’t sure how to do it yet and just left it alone.
i tried to unpause my video game, but my mind was so consumed by what i was wearing that i couldnt focus. i turned it off, and decided to practice sitting in my dress.. crossing my legs like i had seen other women do… pointing my foot and admiring how my legs looked clad in nylon. shivering in delight in how i felt, and with what i saw. i loved how it felt as i walked so i constantly paced back and forth from my room to my parents room, and would then spend several minutes looking at myself in the full length mirror behind the door. i would pose and look, then try another pose and look. everything was just so pretty, and i just wanted to wear it always.
looking back at that experience now… ive talked with therapists (lots of them) about that day. some immediately gravitate towards it being a sexual thing. it wasnt. at all. im not sure i was even sexually aware at the time. it just wasnt on my radar yet. those feelings were not from my loins and libido… they were like a weight had been lifted – from my heart – i was truly, blissfully, happy.
like a bucket of cold water… the silence in the house was slaughtered by the sound of the phone ringing. “OH NO! SOMEONE WILL CATCH ME!”…. and then i remembered they cant know that through the phone and smiled. but, as i feared… it was my mom. she had finished up at my grandmothers, and was heading home and “would be home in 20 minutes”.
all good things come to an end. as soon as i hung up the phone… the despair hit me again. i would have to go back to my clothes. i stood there in my parents room by the phone, staring at the pile of ugly boys clothes i was about to have to put back on. i remember feeling almost angry at my regular clothes. “why cant you make me feel like this? why cant you be prettier? i wonder what would happen if i wear this to school?”
i stripped down everything i had on, and put back on my normal clothes, then realized i would need to cover my tracks… everything must be back exactly as it was before. that part……… proved difficult. the panic started to sink in…. i didnt remember which drawer i got things from. there were panties and hose in multiple drawers, and i didnt know which i got them from. i sat thinking… trying to remember what i did to get these things out. i laid them on the bed and focused my attention to the dress. putting it back into the bag proved difficult. putting it back into the overloaded closet….. even more difficult.
i started getting consumed with panic as i realized – im not really going to be able to put it back exactly as it was – they are going to notice. i did my best to put things back and then ran out to the living room to sit down and watch cartoons with my brother and sister who were just starting to wake from their naps, and try to remain calm… even though inside, i was consumed with fear. every few minutes, i would get up and run back into my parents room to double check that i had not forgotten something. on what turned out to be my final time running back into their room to check and try to calm my nerves… something caught my eye.
in the corner of the room was a trash can… there were bottles, hygiene stuff, empty boxes of soap, and miscellaneous items in it. but peeking out from the side, i saw something shimmer in the sunlight and went to inspect. as i thought… it was a pair of tan pantyhose. i fished it out of the trash and inspected them….. they were fine except there was a run up one of the legs. i sat there thinking for a moment…. and decided – im taking them. i put the trash back together to where it would not look noticeable that anything was missing from it, and ran them to my bedroom hiding them under my mattress.
i rounded the corner back into the living room just as we heard the car pull up in the driveway. “oh fuck – theyre home”. we said hi as they came in and checked on us… my dad made a b-line for the garage which is where he spent most of his time as he wasnt allowed to smoke in the house. my mom headed back to her bedroom. it was a few minutes til i heard her coming back down the hallway
“did someone play in here” pointing to her bedroom. “who was it? why were you playing in our bedroom?”
we sat, looking innocent. well… my brother and sister truly were innocent. but i technically wasnt playing in there, so i could answer honestly.
“no – i played video games, then we were watching cartoons”
she didnt believe us… but left it alone. i did get pulled to the side and given a lecture on “lie vs truth” though. but she thought we played in their room… not that something happened with her clothing – so i assumed i had dodged a bullet.
about a month later, it came back to bite me. i guess i had damaged the dress, and it wasnt put back together in the dry cleaning bag right – and she knew. i was walking down the hallway and it was as if she was laying in wait for me… out of nowhere, i just feel this heavy smack to the side of my head as i passed my bedroom door – no idea what it was, or what happened. i flew into the wall… my head breaking into the sheetrock and i sat there dazed as she hovered over me, swinging down with her hands – blow after blow landing against my face and head. she eventually stopped…. i was bleeding from several places on my face, and completely out of it. she walked off…. screaming that i will never touch her things again. but, if i had to do it all over again…. i would not change a thing. i would gladly take beating and punishment … that feeling… that joy i felt… was greater than everything else in the world to me. it became what i knew as happy – and the bar i measured every other experience to for the rest of my life.