around 10-11, i spent most days thinking about it. it was consuming most waking moments for me. i kept at least a pair of pantyhose and panties stashed somewhere in my room at all times. i was just happier with them.
one day i came home from school and saw my moms car parked in the driveway. this was unusual as i typically had an hour or so to myself when i got home before anyone else got there. of course, i would spend that time relaxing in my favorite attire, and just being me. she was cutting into that time today, so i was upset about it.
i came in and went straight to my room as quietly as possible, hoping to avoid her or let her know i was home. when i rounded the corner into my room, i was terrified. my mom was sitting there, nude except for a towel, in my chair at the desk. she saw me and tried to cover herself up – and then i saw the reason why…. on the back of my desk where the panties i had hidden in my room. i sat there dead silent and not moving for what seemed like an eternity. my guess was that she had come home and took a shower… couldnt find what she was looking for to wear, and naturally went to me as the likely suspect. but, i never cared to find out.
“have something you want to tell me?” …. i sat there, dumbfounded. “what are you doing?” she sat there for a minute or two more, stewing… i could see the hatred building in her eyes. i was attempting to remain calm and be respectful, but this entire exchange had thrown me for a loop. we sat in silence for several minutes…. i just remember thinking ‘wtf am i going to do now?’
“are you going to answer me queer?”
i really didnt learn that word until later in life. i knew it was obviously said to hurt me as you could tell from the tone… but i didnt really understand it. but, this was escalating fast and i wasnt sure how to de-escalate it. i knew if i answered, she would get irate…. but she was doing that now without me saying a word. i remained silent. i was not going to respond to this, and it infuriated her.
“PUT THEM ON”
what the fuck….. not sure if my expression matched what my brain said, but i had tears streaming down my face now. i muttered that i didnt want to and before i could finish saying it, she started screaming louder “PUT THEM ON NOW” and threw them at me, bouncing off my body and hitting the bed. i was in full panic mode, crying uncontrollably… i knew nobody was going to save me here. i assumed that if i listened to her, i could hopefully avoid getting beaten again.
“TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES RIGHT NOW!!!!!!”
now her voice is reaching that volume where it sounds like her vocal cords are about to explode. “I SAID NOW! RIGHT NOW! NOW!” and she starts to slap me a couple of times in the face. we’ve broken the seal… its now loud and violent – there is no turning back from this, and i just have to find a way to appease her enough to minimize the amount of physical pain i was about to endure. so i guess my brain just gave up. before i really realized what i was doing, i had taken off my shirt and shorts and stood there trying to cover myself.
she pointed at me… “GO ON – TAKE THEM OFF”
underwear was the last thing i had on. i was humiliated. i took off my underwear and i covered myself as much as i could with my hands.
she reached over to the bed and grabbed the pair of panties and threw them at me. “GO ON – PUT THEM ON”
i bent down and grabbed them from the floor where they landed when i didnt catch them. i tried to quickly put them on just to get it over with.
“can i take them off now?”
“NO! SIT DOWN”
i quickly sat on the bed as it gave me at least a little cover and didnt make me feel so exposed.
“PUT THEM ON” as she hurled the pantyhose at me. i dont know why, but she was going to make me endure all of it. i did as instructed, and as i had done countless times before…. i put my heel on the edge of the bed, scrunched them to the toe, then extended and pointed my foot as i slid them up my leg… then the next. i stood to pull them up all the way, then quickly sat back down. the fact that i knew how to do this infuriated her. she kept mumbling under her breath as she watched me.
“SO IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOU SICK … YOU DISGUSTING …PERVERT? YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A GIRL?”
have you ever had those moments where you start to talk… but the words that come out are not what your brain had decided to say? i had fully intended to just say no or just not say anything, be apologetic and shameful, and try to get through this. but that wasnt what happened.
“i guess”
“WHAAAAAAATTTT?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU DO????????”
i paused and just didnt say anything. she sat there for a few minutes before screaming again.
“YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS! YOU KNOW YOU DONT LOOK LIKE A WOMAN, AND NOW NOBODY CAN EVER LOOK AT YOU LIKE A MAN – YOU ARE USELESS TO EVERYONE ON THIS PLANET. IF YOU DIED TODAY NOBODY WOULD MISS YOU BECAUSE YOURE DISGUSTING AND UGLY AND GOING TO BURN IN HELL”
her fists kept balling and unclenching… occasionally swinging and slapping me as she screamed. those words…. stung. the tears kept rolling – crying even harder than before. i sat there staring at the floor unable to stop crying. i didnt want to look in her direction.
something happened… as i stared down, looking at myself… i just got another small surge of confidence. and i just blurted it out………
“just leave me alone to be happy please”
it made her snap. she went from irate, to something of a monster – she was far from restrained before – but now she was completely unhinged. now… it was purely violent. she reared back and slapped me. and then again with more force. and again. and then when she saw she was not inflicting enough pain, she closed her fist and started swinging wildly at me. i put up my hands to try and defend myself and shield my face… but several made it through my arms. one landed on my eye and it swelled almost instantly to a point i couldnt see… another hit landed on my nose on the same side. i felt my nose crunch (which still remains crooked to this day) and break, and blood immediately started pouring from my face – it was an alarming amount of blood. within just a second or two, everything from my neck down was covered in blood. then she swung with the other hand, and it caught me somewhere around the ear and jaw and i think knocked me out. i got dizzy and just kind of fell back on the bed. the next thing i remember was feeling her jump onto my chest and sitting over the top of me and her hands around my throat and nails digging into the skin on the back of my neck. the blood was already making me chock, and i could barely breathe. i gasped a few times, unsure of what the hell was happening or how i got there on the bed – but quickly focused on it after a few seconds and started panicking as this was no longer her trying to inflict pain – i think she is trying to kill me.
fight or flight kicked in, and i chose fight. i shoved her as hard as i could pushing her off me, and into my dresser right in front of the bed, knocking off all the stuff on top of it. she hit her elbow hard on the edge, breaking a piece of the wood off, and kind of stayed there crouched over for a moment holding her arm. she alternated from screaming in pain, to screaming at me.
it took a moment, but then her screaming resumed fully and aimed at me again and she started to stand. i didnt let her get the chance, moved forward, and shoved her as hard as i could into the dresser again, breaking off the rest of the front panel. her head hit the solid wood frame around the mirror and it cracked. she hit the ground and held her head. her screaming turned to moans of pain. i immediately crawled into the corner of my bed to get out of arms reach from her. she stayed there for a moment or two longer, then just got up and walked away.
it was over. i was unable to see out of my eye… and had blood streaming down my face and ruining what i was wearing, as well as the sheets, carpet, and several other places. a few seconds passed before i started to vomit up all of that blood i had choked down… either that, or the shock and trauma of what i just went through did it. i took off the panties and hose, threw them in the trash, then went to the bathroom to wash my face and inspect the damage. i then got a bucket from the laundry room, being careful to move quickly and quietly through the house so she wouldnt know where i was. i stayed in my room until later that night when my dad got home.
when my dad got home that night, i heard her tell him about it, then him slam the door and the two of them screaming at the top of their lungs. i have no idea what was said, but remember my dad storming out of the master bedroom slamming the door into the wall, and my mother throwing things at him and screaming. he headed through the house towards the garage (to leave – we went through the garage to get to the cars in the driveway). me and my sister followed quietly behind them from a distance to see what was happening, and right as he made it to the kitchen, my mother ran at him full speed and jumped on him – tackling him into a counter. she grabbed some sort of utensil like a big serving fork type thing and started trying to stab him with it. we were just in shock as we never witnessed anything like that. my mom was a really small thin woman… and my dad played college football – so it didnt take much for him to pick her up, slam her onto the counter, and grab both her wrists to keep her stationary. my little sister immediately turned and ran to her room to hide.
they sat there like that for a long time. it honestly felt like forever, but was likely close to 20 minutes of pure silence and nobody moving or saying anything. eventually he gave up and let her go, she dropped the utensil, and then he went and got in his car and left. she went to her bedroom and closed the door and didnt come back out for days. if she wasnt already, that day was the start of my mothers downslide into insanity, and the day i became the parent. i fixed dinner that night for myself and siblings. when i woke up the next day, she hadnt made lunches, so i went into her purse and got a few dollars out and split it amongst us to get school lunches.
i dont blame myself for their divorce. they argued all the time – it was nothing new. in fact, we had assumed it was going to happen any day at that point as their arguing was constant. but, my event did trigger it and factor in somehow.